Roller coaster…

It has been an incredible Roller coaster over the last three weeks.

To be honest, it’s a roller coaster I would have never chosen to get on but I guess you don’t get that choice when you have cancer. It just happens.

I have surgery scheduled next week for a ‘lumpectomy’ and sentinel node biopsy.

The ‘lump’ and lymph nodes taken from my armpit will be sent to the pathology lab and examined by the pathologists who will determine whether the peripheries/margins of the lump and the lymph nodes are free of cancer. If they are? – well that will give the go ahead for radiotherapy after the wounds have healed.

If they’re not?…

Well that’s back to the drawing board regarding further management, but will probably mean more surgery (likely mastectomy) and possibly chemotherapy as well.

I’m in a position of knowledge because I have a background in medicine. That’s a good thing sometimes and a not so good thing at other times. What I can say is, it’s a real eye-opener being on the other side of the fence. Patient vs Doctor.

I continue to be depressed, defiant, afraid, angry and numbed by it all.

I have read a few other peoples accounts of their own battles via online blogs and they’ve inspired me and scared me in equal amounts.

The conclusion I’ve come to regarding other people’s stories are – they are helpful to a degree but I need to remind myself that we are all different and our cancers are all different. Their story won’t necessarily turn out to be the same as my story despite the similarities.

Today, I really cried.

Don’t get me wrong there have been many tears over the past few weeks but today I really cried for myself.

R was there, she was beautiful and supportive and strong as she always is. She held me and my heart. I worry for her, because our lives have become all about this thing, this uncontrollable thing that we are trying to control.

I cried today for the me I used to be. It feels like that person is going, going and will be gone soon – forever. (I don’t mean death – that’s way too final to be talking about that yet.)

What I mean is – the me who raced triathlons, the me who loved the way exercise made her feel, the me who enjoyed some of the finer things in life – indulgent food and wine! The care-free, smiley, looney-tune who was so happy with how her life was going.

I don’t feel she’s going to be the same after all of this and I’m sad about that.

But…crying is ok, writing it down is good and change is not always necessarily bad.

One quote I have lived my life by, and it is not necessarily everyone’s cup of tea but I’m making no apologies for that…

“Everything happens for a reason….”

I can’t fathom the reason at the minute but I will keep on moving forward. That’s the only choice I have.

Onwards and upwards.



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